July 23, 2017, I wrote “12 Fears of Going Public as a Trauma Survivor.” At the time, I had the notion I could be brave enough to “go public”, I wasn’t. Nor was I aware the journey had just begun. Now, nearly a decade later, I’ve come full circle. Working through some of the same fears and doubts, I wrote about why in another post: “Stages of Healing After Trauma: A Survivor’s Journey.” Because this original post conveys a message that resonates still, here it is.
When Honesty Feels Lonely
Recently, my support team helped me to sort out some personal conflicts around emerging from trauma isolation and going public as a trauma survivor. Conversations moved me into a place of reckoning on key issues as we discussed honesty and getting real with ourselves and relationships. I was reminded of an old Billy Joel song you may remember, especially if you are a baby boomer, called Honesty. The first line: “honesty is such a lonely word,” speaks loudly to me.
Why Is Honesty So Hard?
Although I asked one of my siblings, “Why is that? Why is honesty a lonely word?” I was really asking, “Why is it so hard to connect honestly to ourselves and others, especially on important issues? Why does the push towards honesty result in isolating?”
His answer came quickly: “Cause people are afraid.”
Naming the Fear Beneath the Surface
Immediately I knew I was afraid! You bet, I am afraid! I’m afraid of all the normal stuff: being embarrassed, rejection, failure, etc.; but voicing my real fears in this and other chats tapped something deep, bringing me to heart wrenching tears more than once. “What’s that about?” I quipped. I knew these fears were the things getting in the way of my honesty. I was realizing that I fear fear itself, failure, and being known and coming up short. That fear of coming up short, not being enough, has dogged me my entire life.
When Trauma Changes Your Story
Nearly two years ago, on the eve of a return to East Africa as a missionary, the rug was pulled out from under me when I found out I am a severe trauma survivor in my early childhood. In fact, trauma so severe, that it had remained hidden from me for over half a century. However, we proceeded with our mission commitment. Then, upon our return six months later, the whole topography of my world began to change as my sense of self and reality were shaken to the core. I worked hard to face and embrace the truth of my story that gradually surfaced. Now, feeling the nudge to emerge from the darkness blanketing my existence for the past 18 months, I am ambivalent: courageous and afraid!
Becoming Myself at 60
I’ve lived my life to please and be what I thought everyone expected of me. Until recently, I unknowingly lived like a robot much of the time. Learning to be my own person at 60 is empowering. In the process I’m still shedding fears of the past and old patterns of feeling and thinking, like epithelial layers. They include paradigms of rejection, abandonment, and the not enough shame.
Facing the List of Fears
I started listing my fears:
- I’m afraid of never being enough, enough to matter, to exist, and especially to make a difference that matters.
- I’m afraid of the disorienting confusion of who I am now and my place in the world in the wake of identity upheaval beyond comprehension.
- I’m afraid to follow the inner urging to reach out to help others, to begin speaking out, writing and making myself vulnerable through honest authentic sharing about trauma losses and victories.
- I’m afraid that my voice won’t matter, that my story won’t matter, that it will just lay there in oblivion unremarkably noticed or remarkably unnoticed.
- I’m afraid I will be offensive or insensitive to the pain of fellow survivors of trauma.
- I’m afraid that stepping out as a survivor will make trauma and recovery who I am (I know I am more than a survivor of trauma, and my experience and story are precious treasures; but it can feel too consuming).
- I’m afraid people will misjudge or misunderstand trauma, the damage it does, and the path to recovery. (I’ve already experienced this in religious circles)
- I’m afraid of feeling shamed by the prejudice or lack of knowledge of people who will misjudge or misunderstand who I am or what I am about. (I’ve already experienced this, as well)
- I’m afraid of not being ready to step out, of staying in this season of recovery too long, of never sustaining a sense of community engagement, competence and productivity again.
- I’m afraid of failing to communicate this important message in the right way to the right people, comprehensibly and effectively.
- I’m afraid that people who need to take the healing journey never will.
- I’m afraid I will fail to justly convey the magnitude of the gift of grace facilitating the work being wrought in my life.
When Fear Loses Its Power
Talking through these fears helped me to realize how valid, and yet empowering, most of them are. Surprisingly, they quickly lost their paralyzing potency. Courage began to energize forward momentum. I accept that I will probably battle with what Brene Brown calls a shame storm, after authentically exposing myself to vulnerability with this and future articles. So what! I can learn and grow through authenticity, and from my mistakes. If I do something that comes up short, keep at it. Learn from it and see what else can be made from it. I have heard lots of stories of people that have done just that. In essence, that is what I’m really doing here.
Learning to “Just Care”
I have been encouraged to challenge my fears and to “just care” and I like that. It sounds simple, but many problems I encounter with people I care about are not simple. For instance, African nationals living in dire poverty in the poorest and hungriest nation in the world. Or friends with a history of trauma. I want to help, but struggle to really ease the suffering in a way that seems to matter. Still, caring I can do. It is what I can offer as I practice learning the fine art of listening and letting go of the compunction to try to fix what I have no power over. I can connect on a heart level with those I care about. And I can point people to Christ. He is The Source of peace and joy on the inside regardless of what we experience on the outside.
Stepping Into the Story
So here we go. I’ve decided to launch out into the deep to talk and write about our stories and the good intentions of God that guide our stories towards alignment with truth in relationships. The recent chapter in my story has been an endeavor to understand Biblical recovery from trauma in conjunction with scientific and clinical research as I walk out my own course of intense therapy and healing. The merger between my story, experience, and interests in how we are made, develop, learn, and heal, has given me a unique perspective on trauma and recovery.
Living Fully Alive
I write and share to inspire and encourage other trauma survivors and survivor supporters (and that is all of us) with hope. This is a safe place to engage in community, learn and share, as we walk out the recovery process of learning to live redeemed and fully alive. In her song “I Just Showed Up For My Own Life,” Sara Groves says, “The glory of God is men fully alive!”
2026 Reflection
Now, May 2026, most of the twelve fears remain concerns, but not enough to impact my readiness to step into vulnerability. I’m not ashamed of the delay in stepping out. Why? Because I know the courage undergirding the healing journey I’ve taken over the last decade. Gratitude for the powerful transformation and redemption, is what I feel.
How about you? How have you dealt with your survivor concerns or fears?
Please bear with us as the website is being updated. Comments will be enabled on the Blog Page soon.
Check out other posts:
Stages of Healing After Trauma: A Survivor’s Journey
When a Trauma Story Awakens: Like a Sick Child in the Night